life update january 11

 alright


winter break is over and i'm back at school


tst day 3 is in like < 2 days


ive been cooped up in my dorm for the past week 


my parents hate me


everyone hates me :)


its like no matter what i do, no matter how happpy i am with the choices i make, whatever i do always ends up disappointing someone 


life could be so perfect but every single day a different person has to come and fuck it up 


like cmon man if u my life sucks can there at least be someone who isnt myself that i can blame my fucking misfortunes on? or am i really just that alone in this dark, lonely path i'm walking on?


why am i always the fucking problem


why do i fucking suck so much

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so

i have an important (at least my brain is conditioning me to think that it is important) exam in < 48 hours and yet i can't find the willpower or fortitude to use my brain. it's like i've been living the past week like a zombie. every day - go to school, be present for classes, burn my legs at track practice, go back to my dorm, shut myself from the outside world for the most part, fall asleep.

there was a time i wasn't like this...oh how i miss my old self. where was the 10th grade me who actually found enjoyment in solving problems? back when i had all of the diligence, eagerness, and firepower that i now struggle to find within myself? nowadays i wouldnt even pick up a pencil if not for a friend's homework. oh how far i've fallen. 

now, more often than not, i find myself thinking about non-academic things. what am i going to do when i'm 20? how will the actions i take now affect my life in 10 years? was i really destined for greatness, like my parents tried convincing me when i was younger? or am i really that much of a lost cause, like my parents tell me now? 

it irritates me that i do not know the answer to these questions. the only thing that remains of my inner mathematician is the desire for answers. for certainty. for assurance. 

why do i even need this assurance? isn't uncertainty what makes life interesting? life would be so boring if everything was predetermined and i knew everything that was going to happen, eh. in some way, i guess i'm writing my own story, and who knows where that's going to go. 


uh what else do i want to rant about


uh


yeah perhaps its probably wise for me to get my mind off all of the 杂七杂八的 things floating around in my head and get my shit together. i know i say this every time. it's bound to happen sooner or later. 


doesnt really matter if nobody else cares about me, or if all anyone ever has express to me is disappointment - i have faith in myself, and that's enough :)


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

year end

 so school end, so basically year end. twas a pretty mediocre year; not in the sense that I was mediocre at everything, but in the sense that there were so many insane highs and lows that they all somehow manage to balance out to mediocre i like to think that i pretty much redeemed my massive usamo shit in the last few months. managed to get 5th geo, 6 ovr in pumac, and top 20 at arml. even managed to pop 24.34 pr 200m.  looking forward to bigger and better things next year
Read more

back to schoool

 so we are back guys school technically started on 9/3 but I feel like nothing of note academic wise really happened up until now (we have just recently resumed our normal school schedule, so work is finally piling up again). I had my first test today (bio). I spent two hours last night furiously cramming useless information about carbs, lipids, and proteins, and as a byproduct I think I probably aced the quiz. If you ask me now though, I don't remember anything.  I also apparently have a history essay due on friday, and the prompt is somehing along the lines of "find a social structure and examine how an indigenous tribe's sovreignty over it has changed from pre-colonial times." this could potentially be interesting, but honestly I just don't have it in me to scour the internet for resources. My favorite part of writing is shitting stuff out of my ass. Perhaps this is why I hate english. I want to say what I WANT to say, not imply what I want to say through someo...
Read more