back to schoool

 so we are back guys

school technically started on 9/3 but I feel like nothing of note academic wise really happened up until now (we have just recently resumed our normal school schedule, so work is finally piling up again). I had my first test today (bio). I spent two hours last night furiously cramming useless information about carbs, lipids, and proteins, and as a byproduct I think I probably aced the quiz. If you ask me now though, I don't remember anything. 

I also apparently have a history essay due on friday, and the prompt is somehing along the lines of "find a social structure and examine how an indigenous tribe's sovreignty over it has changed from pre-colonial times." this could potentially be interesting, but honestly I just don't have it in me to scour the internet for resources. My favorite part of writing is shitting stuff out of my ass. Perhaps this is why I hate english. I want to say what I WANT to say, not imply what I want to say through someone else's words (citations). 

I've also started hitting the gym lately. Observing my friends at the gym has made me realize how weak I am. More on this later.

I also realize I start a lot of my paragraphs with "I", but this is ok.

Something that really struck me was that coming back from this summer, everyone somehow just seems different. I don't know how to explain it. Something to do with college, or maybe just something to do with growing up. 

One of my major takeaways from SPARC was that adults are just simply better at everything, and maybe we are all just inching closer to the far-fetched destination that is adulthood. In some ways, I feel like I conciously try to act more like an adult now - this is probably out of necessity. I had an amazing revelation at a restaurant a week ago when an elderly couple sitting next to us (my friends and I) exhibited visible disgust when I started cursing out of nowhere. All my life, I thought this was normal because those who were familiar with me seemed to accept it, but more and more I am starting to realize that this is maybe a not so good habit. On 9/10/19, I made a pact with myself and promised myself two things:

1. Be quiet and reserved in public.

2. Curse less. 

Honestly, it's not going well, but miniscule progress is better than none at all. Maybe this is just my idea of assimilating into adulthood. Oh well, I'm only 17 and I have time.

I know I opened this blog post talking about school, but here is a more organized overview of my classes:

1st period - CS: literally a joke. at this point I'm convinced my teacher is trying to thinkg of all possible wyas to teacht this class without actually teaching. so pretty much as a class we are supposed to make something resembling an encyclopedia of knowledge for data structures and algorithms. bah, self learning. bah, teamwork. Oh yeah, on teamwork. I've realized that I really dislike working in large groups. blargh

2nd period - history: I am in a class with all 11th graders, but this is my own fault since I pushed. My teacher is pretty chill, and I managed to get a 4/5 on a pop quiz on a reeading I didn't do because I acctually paid attention to 8th grade US History. Nothing much to say here, I hope I do well.

3rd period - free

4th period - english: so the title of this class is creative writing: poetry. this class was honestly a lot better than I thought it was going to be, for two reasons. 1 - teacher easy apparently, so free grades. 2 - poems provide room for fluidity, so I can finally say what I want to say in an english class! also one of my best friends is in this class which is pretty chill. 

5th period - lunch

6th period - bio: teacher alsoo doesnt teach much and just makes us self learn by reading and taking notes, but the dude himself is pretty chill. I also have good friends in this class so its pretty chill. class is probably sweaty though.

7th period - fluid mechanics: this class is supposef to be hard, but im pretty im better than like 90% of the class at pjhysics so im really not worried. First few classes was just math - vectors, dot/cross product, stupid gradient stuff, but its actually getting interesting now. We're doing stuff w/ hydrostatics + pressure etc, which is finally actually branching into physics. Worst thing about this class is that the teacher actualyl grades homework. for a slack like me, that isn't good news :(

uh what else do I want to talk about. oh right, college. honestly not much to say. here is also probably not a good place to say it anyway. 

ok, back to lifestyle stuff. gym - I realize that I dont know how to flex my back and as a result the bar really hurts my shoulder when I squat. this is not good. I honstly don't really know why I go to the gym. Something along the lines of going because my friends go, getting stronger for track, become more lean so I can become more attractive, etc. I don't even know. Should I keep going? I'll think about this more in the future.

More on how I've changed as a person. I had a pretty long talk with one of my friends at 1:30 am either last night or last last night or last last last night about perceived confidence amongst other stuff like college and girls :P. in summary, the environment in which you surround yourself is a huge factor towards confidence. And the enrivonemnt at school certianly is not conducive to that. A lot of people say that receiving compliments from those around is a good for confidence, but I only think this is true to an extent. Fake compliments that people easily throw around don't mean much, but heartfelt ones do. Nowadays, a lot of people just say things they don't mean, so I don't know if compliemnts meant anything anymore. 

on how my own confidence has grown in the past year - I ended junior year without a lot of it. I pretty much constantly found myself agreeing with people around me, and I'm not sure if this was because I was afraid of conflict or whether I was too lazy to disagree. Anyways, that doesnt matter anymore. Looking bacl, I am better looking, more reflective, and less passive than I was three months ago. I don't know if this is a good thing - the last thing I want to become is an arrogant prick. I will admit I struggle defining the ling between confidence and arrogance, and I don't know if those around me can tell, but sometimes I push it. While I used to passively take jokes and jabs from acquantances, now I feel an urge to fight back. I always want to end verbal exchanges as the victor - an urge I never had before. I saw something on the internet about someone being roasted for not being able to take a joke, and he said something I really agree with. "It's not that I can't take a joke. I can take a joke, but I will not tolerate disrespect masked as one." 

Maybe the fact that I am starting to sense disrespect from what I used to dismiss as playful "insults" is reflective of my growing insecurities. Even though I think objectively, I have become physically more presentable, the fact that I know I am in a stage of growth and change makes me feel unstable. I want to feel like I am making changes n the right direction, and sometimes a friend implying I'm stupid/ugly/insufficient in other ways evokes my fear of misdevelopment. 

whatever. I'm tired and going to sleep. cyall later. I don't think I've really felt insecurity for most of life, having accepted my societal position as the "human calculator" in any group I've been in. But now as I try to break through that role, I have no foothold on who I am anymore. Hence insecurities.

To people around me, please tell me if at any point I become not enjoyable to hang out around anymore. Call me out if I'm being arrogant. I probably won't mind if you shit talk me, as long as it is heartfelt and to my face. 

honestly, i don't think i was able to express what I really wanted to say in the blogpost :/

Sayonara!